Sunday, August 31, 2014

2014 NFC NORTH PREVIEW

Four football teams. They'll win games. They'll lose games. They might even tie. Let's see what's on the down-low with the NFC North.

Chicago Bears


Pros: The Bears' offense is the strength of the team for the first time since the 80s. Their passing game is exceptional for the first time since... probably Sid Luckman in the 40s. If the defense improves even slightly over last year's unit, the Bears will be honest-to-God Super Bowl contenders.

Cons: That's a big "if" as far as the defense is concerned. The Bears gave up a staggering 29.9 points per game, tied with Washington for the second worst in the NFL. It's the worst defense the Bears have put on the field since 1950, if not ever. It probably isn't going to be much better this year.

Overall: Teams that make the playoffs usually don't need a great defense in the regular season unless their offense is exceptional. The Bears' offense has the potential to get them to at least a playoff berth, but I don't know how far into January and beyond they can get with that defense.

Predicted Record: 12-4, 1st

Detroit Lions


Pros: The offense will probably be really good. Jim Caldwell got an amazing postseason out of Joe Flacco, so imagine what he can do with Matthew Stafford.

Cons: Stafford's like Brett Favre in that he'll do something amazing and then do something really dumb, sometimes during the same drive. That'll probably crop up again this season to go along with a pretty lame defense.

Overall: The Lions are a decent team, but decent in this division and this conference is almost as bad as being utter shit.

Predicted Record: 9-7, 3rd

Green Bay Packers


Pros: Aaron Rodgers is probably the best quarterback in the league when he's healthy. Eddie Lacy is also a great option on the ground. The defense has improved over last season, at least on paper.

Cons: The Bears and Packers are almost carbon copies of each other. The Packers' defense is the Achilles' heel of the team. If Rodgers goes down, it will likely lead to another ugly run.

Overall: Like the Bears, the Packers are one of the teams capable of a Super Bowl berth. They also have to overcome their defense but if they do, this team will be scary.

Predicted Record: 11-5 10-6, 2nd

Minnesota Vikings


Pros: I point you in the direction of this Onion article. Enjoy!

Cons: In a recurring theme for NFC North teams, the Vikings' defense isn't that great. In fact, it's terrible.

Overall: If the Vikings' defense improves, they'll probably be a spoiler team this season. As it is, they'll probably be better than a season ago, but not enough to sniff the postseason.

Predicted Record: 8-8, 4th

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We're going down south tomorrow (except for Indianapolis). Tune in then!

2014 AFC NORTH PREVIEW

Let's continue this farce with a preview of the AFC North.

Baltimore Ravens

Pros: The NFL pretty much admitted that they screwed the pooch with the Ray Rice fiasco.

Cons: A pretty bland roster didn't get a whole lot better. The acquisition of Steve Smith might work, but he's old and it also requires Joe Flacco to be somewhat accurate with his passes. Disadvantage: Ravens.

Overall: It's probably a safe bet that the Ravens will be painfully average again this year.

Predicted Record: 8-8, 2nd

Cincinnati Bengals

Pros: Jay Gruden won't be calling plays for the Bengals this year, which is probably a good thing. The Bengals' offense has gotten better each year and the defense is still one of the better units in the NFL.

Cons: Geno Atkins will be back but he's coming off of a torn ACL, which will probably limit his effectiveness (unless he has the same genetic structure as Adrian Peterson). I'm a bit of a (realistic) Andy Dalton apologist, but even I don't know how he'll look this season.

Overall: The Bengals are still far and away the best team in the division or at the very least, have the most talent. In a vacuum that should net them their fourth straight playoff berth. What happens after that is anybody's guess.

Predicted Record: 11-5, 1st

Cleveland Browns


Pros: Nope. Don't see any. Sorry.

Cons: The offense is guaranteed to be bad, what with the no receivers thing. Great planning, Browns! Also, the defense has only been great twice in the last decade.

Overall: It sure sucks to be a Browns fan.

Predicted Record: 4-12, 4th

Pittsburgh Steelers

Pros: They sure aren't the Browns, which guarantees that they'll be at least average for most of the year.

Cons: The defense is still a question mark since they rolled out their worst one in like 25 years last season. There's no way it got markedly better in one offseason. Also, Todd Haley is the offensive coordinator.

Overall: The Steelers will not be dreadful and they won't be spectacular. They'll just be there, as one of the 32 teams playing this season.

Predicted Record: 7-9 6-10, 3rd

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Next time! We'll head out further to the Midwest with a preview of the NFC North. Check it out later tonight.

2014 NFC EAST PREVIEW

Preseason predictions are often ludicrous. Their validity or correctness are completely up to chance. With that in mind, take a look at my somewhat thought out picks for the NFC East.

Dallas Cowboys


Pros: If Tony Romo is healthy for an extended period, their offense will likely be one of the best in the league again.

Cons: Tony Romo's not doing so hot. And their historically bad defense from last year didn't get much better. If it got better at all. Also, Jerry Jones is still convinced that he knows how to run a professional sports team.

Overall: A hobbled Tony Romo and a bad defense will sink the Cowboys' chances. On the bright side, they won't have an 8-8 record for a fourth straight season.

Predicted Record: 6-10, 3rd

New York Giants

Pros: They probably won't make the playoffs after another infuriatingly herky-jerky regular season.

Cons: Their offense has the makings to be absolutely dreadful and their defense likely will also suck. Tom Coughlin's head may explode at some point. That's not cool.

Overall: I can't be the only one who finds the Giants to be intolerable to watch due to their boringness. Luckily, this roster should get better soon due the tire fire I'm predicting.

Predicted Record: 4-12, 4th

Philadelphia Eagles

Pros: The NFC East sucks, the Eagles don't. They'll probably take advantage of it.

Cons: They won't be one of the best teams in the conference when they make the playoffs.

Overall: See Pros.

Predicted Record: 10-6, 1st

Washington Redskins


Pros: They're probably not going to be one of the worst teams in the conference this season.

Cons: RG3 is still wonky from the whole knee-exploding incident. Dan Snyder is an unlikeable prick.

Overall: They have to face the soul-crushing NFC West, but that's balanced out somewhat by going against the perennially shitty AFC South. Also their division sucks.

Predicted Record: 8-8, 2nd

That's all she wrote. Tune in tomorrow for the North divisions.

Saturday, August 30, 2014

2014 AFC EAST PREVIEW

Time to get down to business and reveal my arbitrary predictions for the 2014 NFL season, starting with the two East divisions. First up, the AFC East.

Buffalo Bills


Pros: They're probably not moving to Toronto.

Cons: The Bills' offense has looked anemic during the preseason and losing Kiko Alonso (their leading tackler from last season) for the year isn't going to help any. Also, Doug Marone seems like a boob.

Overall: Injuries and ineffectiveness will limit the Bills this year. But if you want to look for a silver lining, maybe they'll finally be bad enough to actually get a game changer for next year.

Predicted Record: 3-13, 3rd

Miami Dolphins


Pros: Their uniforms are still awesome.

Cons: Can any part of the Dolphins really give a fan of theirs confidence? Their offensive line is going to be terrible which will make a likely putrid offense be even worse. Also, Knowshon Moreno is their starting running back. Good times.

Overall: The Dolphins' defense will likely be the thing that keeps them afloat, but I don't see much happening for them even in a weak AFC.

Predicted Record: 3-13, 4th

New England Patriots

Pros: They've been so dominant for so long that Bill Belicheck seems to be actively fucking away his team's chances for success out of boredom. They'll probably still win the division and make it to the conference championship anyway.

Cons: On paper, the Patriots have the makings of a great defense for the first time in... a really, really long time. The downside is that Belicheck seems to want to see Tom Brady get horribly mangled.

Overall: Are you kidding? The Patriots have taken full advantage their conference being utter shit for the last few years. It ain't stopping now.

Predicted Record: 11-5, 1st

New York Jets


Pros: The defense will probably be really good again.

Cons: The offense will probably be really bad again.

Overall: Based solely on the strength of the rest of the division, excluding the Pats of course, the Jets will probably have a decent shot at a playoff berth. Did I mention that the AFC is horrible?

Predicted Record: 8-8, 2nd

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That'll do it. Look for my predictions for the NFC East in a few hours.

Monday, August 25, 2014

A BRIEF HISTORY OF... THE CAROLINA PANTHERS

There's one more week of preseason football before the games actually begin to matter. In honor of that occasion, let's take a look at the history of a team that will be celebrating it's twentieth season in the NFL: the Carolina Panthers.



Starting Up: The NFL began seriously considering expansion in the late 80s. Some of the markets being considered for a team were St. Louis, Missouri (to fill the void of the recently relocated Cardinals), Memphis, Tennessee and Baltimore, Maryland (to finally repay the city for the time when the Colts quite literally fled to Indianapolis in a moving van).

But another city getting serious consideration was Charlotte, North Carolina, thanks largely to the success of the NBA's Charlotte Hornets. Led by Jerry Richardson, a local businessman who once played in the NFL, Charlotte, along with Jacksonville, Florida eventually were awarded teams in 1993, with both set to debut by the 1995 season. And thus, the Carolina Panthers were formed, with Richardson owning the team to this day.

The Panthers were originally placed in the NFC West, home of the San Francisco 49ers and St. Louis Rams. To be fair, they also shared the division with the Atlanta Falcons and New Orleans Saints, two other teams that had no business being in the West. After the NFL expanded to 32 teams in 2002, the Panthers moved to the newly created NFC South along with the Falcons and Saints, so all is right with the world, geographically speaking.



Greatest Runs

NOTE: Keep in mind, the Panthers are the only team in NFL history yet to have consecutive winning seasons. So the definition of "run" is going to be liberally applied.

Starting Up (1995-1996): Usually when expansion teams start up, they have a hell of time securing wins, mostly because the team is made up of rookies and other teams' castoffs (who were usually cast off for perfectly valid reasons). The Panthers, however, flipped the script.

In their inaugural season in 1995, the Panthers went 7-9, a record for an expansion team in its first season. The next year, they went 12-4, outright winning the NFC West thanks to winning a tiebreaker with the 49ers (who were also 12-4 that year). Thanks to their defense (which allowed a scant 13.6 points per game, second best in the NFL), the Panthers went all the way to the NFC Championship Game, losing to the eventual Super Bowl champion Green Bay Packers. No matter how you slice it, that's a hell of a way to may a debut.

An Improbable Offensive Year (1999): In a year where they didn't make the playoffs, the Panthers at least had a memorable season. Perennially average (or worse) quarterback Steve Beuerlein was the starter going into the year, but improbably, he had an amazing statistical season. He completed more than 60 percent of his passes and threw for 36 touchdowns to 15 interceptions. He also led the league in completions and passing yards per game. The Panthers had a top five offense and their 26.3 points scored per game is team record that still stands.

Panthers Go To the Super Bowl (2003): Two seasons removed from the worst campaign in franchise history, the Panthers won the NFC South with an 11-5 record. Come playoff time, they destroyed the Cowboys in the wild card round, beat the Rams in a nail biter that went to overtime and pummeled the heavily favored Eagles in the NFC Championship Game (the last two were both on the road) to clinch their first (and to date, only) Super Bowl berth. They faced the New England Patriots in one of the most exciting Super Bowls to ever be played, ultimately losing thanks to a clutch Adam Vinatieri field goal.

Panthers' D Arrives (2013): After two blah seasons and a 1-3 record to begin the 2013 season, the Panthers went on a run and won eleven of their last twelve games to win the NFC South. The Panthers' defense was dominate, behind only the Seattle Seahawks in terms of points allowed per game. So with an elite defense and a talented young quarterback, the Panthers could actually be in the process of a good run.


Leanest Years

The Hell of Mediocrity (1997-2001): Here's a list of the Panthers' records from 1997 to 2001: 7-9, 4-12, 8-8, 7-9, 1-15. Good luck doing making the playoffs with those win-loss margins. They didn't of course. The closest they came was in 1999 (the aforementioned out-of-nowhere Pro Bowl season from Steve Beuerlein) where they were in a four-team tie with the Cowboys, Lions and Packers (the Cowboys and Lions ultimately made the playoffs based on tiebreakers).

That was the one promising year in this span. The rest were an increasingly depressing display of bad, but usually meh football. Special mention goes to the 2001 season where the Panthers won their first game and dropped the remaining 15 to finish with the worst record in the league (that 15 game losing streak was also an NFL record at the time). Also damning: 20 players from that squad played in the Super Bowl two years later, yet couldn't win more than one game in 2001.

The Equivalent of Hitting One's Head Against A Wall (2009-2012): When the Panthers are bad, they're usually boring. This period was no different. After winning the NFC South in 2008, the team slowly devolved into a mess. They were a painfully dull 8-8 in 2009 and jettisoned longtime quarterback Jake Delhomme after the season. The team drafted Jimmy Clausen out of Notre Dame as their quarterback of the future. Anyone who actually watched Notre Dame during his career there could tell you where this would go next.

Clausen had a remarkably bad rookie season, throwing three touchdowns to nine interceptions and completing only 52.5 percent of his passes. Matt Moore wasn't much better, causing the Panthers to have the worst offense in the league that year (it was also the worst offense in team history, scoring just 12.3 points per game). Their 26th ranked defense sealed the Panthers fate at 2-14 and the number one overall pick in the 2011 draft. Aside from drafting Cam Newton and a host of talented defensive players in the next couple years, the Panthers remained one of the teams near the bottom of the NFL.

Names You Should Know


Kerry Collins: The first quarterback in franchise history. Collins went to the Pro Bowl in his second season, the same season the Panthers went to the NFC Championship Game. That was the highest point both quarterback and team experienced during his stay in Charlotte, which for Collins, was mostly done under a haze of booze and controversy.

Collins was cut from the team in 1998 after spending just three-and-a-half seasons with the Panthers after going fifth overall in the 1995 NFL draft. Collins later turned his life around and had a decent career as a journeyman/backup, but who knows what he would've been like if he had taken better care of himself during his Panthers stay?


Sam Mills: In his early days in the NFL, Mills was a member of the New Orleans Saints' famed Dome Patrol linebacking core. In his days with the Carolina Panthers, he was a savy veteran. Mills was one of the best players on the Panthers in their first couple seasons and was instrumental in the 1996 team being such a defensive force. He was selected to the Pro Bowl after the season.

After he retired, Mills joined the Panthers' coaching staff. He was diagnosed with cancer in 2003, but continued to coach, becoming an inspirational force for the team in the process. He remained on the staff while also undergoing treatments, but died before the 2005 season. His number 51 was subsequently retired by the team, becoming the first player in team history to receive that honor.


Muhsin Muhammad: A good receiver for the Panthers. Muhammad led the league in receptions in 2001, and led in both receiving yards and receiving touchdowns in 2004. He was twice selected to the Pro Bowl and made one 1st Team All-Pro list. He sits second all-time in team history in receptions, receiving yards and receiving touchdowns.


Michael Bates: A special teams force. Bates went to five straight Pro Bowls from 1996 to 2000 and was named 1st Team All-Pro once. He twice led the league in kick return yards per game and once led in kick return touchdowns. He still holds the top spot in Panthers history in every kick return stat.


Kevin Greene: A sack machine and noted crazy person. Greene, despite playing only three seasons for the Panthers, ranks fourth all-time in team history in sacks with 41.5. Greene led the league in sacks once as a Panther and recorded between 12 and 15 in each of his campaigns in Charlotte. 25 percent of his 160 sacks (third most in NFL history) came as a Panther and he went to two Pro Bowls and was selected 1st Team All-Pro once.


Wesley Walls: The best tight end in Panthers history. Walls went to five Pro Bowls in seven seasons with the Panthers. He led the team in receptions two seasons in a row in 1996 and 1997. Walls was one of the best tight ends in the NFL during his time with the Panthers, catching more touchdowns than any other tight end from 1996 to 2002, with only Shannon Sharpe, Frank Wycheck and Tony Gonzalez besting him in receptions and receiving yards across that same span. He remains the Panthers' all-time leader in the big three receiving statistics among tight ends.


Kris Jenkins: An absolute force on the defensive line for the Panthers. Jenkins was among the best defensive tackles in the game in his first few seasons, twice being named 1st Team All-Pro before injuries limited him to just five games from 2004 to 2005. While Jenkins rebounded somewhat after that, going to two more Pro Bowls overall, he never quite reached the same levels he had in his first three seasons. Still, his impact on the team can't be overstated as he was a key cog in two top ten defenses and a Super Bowl berth.


Steve Smith: The best receiver in Panthers history and probably the greatest player period in their history. Since coming into the league in 2001, Smith has caught the ninth most receptions in the NFL with 836. Despite that, he's third across that same amount of time in receiving yards with 12,197. He's gone to five Pro Bowls and has twice been named 1st Team All-Pro. If there is any offensive player in Panthers history that has a chance to make the hall of fame, it's Smith.


Julius Peppers: The best defensive player in Panthers history. Peppers recorded double-digit sacks six times as a Panther and is their all-time leader in sacks with 81. No defensive player has started more games for the Panthers than Peppers' 120. He went to five Pro Bowls and was 1st Team All-Pro twice. He was also the leader of the defense when they went to the Super Bowl after the 2003 season.


Jake Delhomme: The best quarterback in Panthers history (though probably not for much longer, see below). Delhomme became the starting quarterback for the Panthers in 2003 after bouncing around the New Orleans Saints and NFL Europe for the better part of four years. While he rarely asserted himself, he managed to have a decent career. He threw for over 300 yards and three touchdowns in Super Bowl XXXVIII despite completing less than 50 percent of his passes and went to his only Pro Bowl in 2005. He threw 120 touchdowns and 89 interceptions in his Panthers career.

Five Current Guys You Should Know


Charles Johnson: The best part about the Panthers these days is its young, dominant defense. One of the players making that so is Charles Johnson. While he's yet to make a Pro Bowl, Johnson has thrice recorded double-digit sacks. In fact, he's currently third on the Panthers' all-time career sack list with 54 and one-and-a-half behind second place Mike Rucker. So Johnson is a valuable pass rusher on a great defense who doesn't have a domestic violence black mark on his resume, unlike...


Greg Hardy: Before it was revealed that he's an awful person, Hardy was merely a promising young defensive end. Hardy deflected eleven passes in 2011 (did I mention he's a defensive end?) and recorded 11 sacks in 2012. 2013 was his breakout year- he racked up 15 sacks, tying Kevin Greene for the team record for most sacks in a single season. He notched his first Pro Bowl selection after the season. Although, it's probably a safe bet that he won't get a long term deal from the team after this season.


Cam Newton: The Panthers' most visible star and pretty much a lock (barring some unforeseen circumstance) to become the best quarterback in team history. Newton was named Offensive Rookie of the Year in 2011, throwing for 4,051 yards and 21 touchdowns with a straight 60 percent completion percentage. He also rushed into the endzone 14 times that year, an NFL record for a quarterback in the modern era.

Newton has gained more than 2,000 yards on the ground already and actually led the Panthers in rushing in 2012. He's also thrown 64 touchdowns to 42 interceptions in his career. He's like young Michael Vick, if young Michael Vick was actually a decent passer. And by the way, Newton has accomplished this while being sacked 114 times in his first three seasons, the most over that span (tied with Baltimore's Joe Flacco). With two Pro Bowls already under his belt, Newton's best days are likely still to come.


Luke Kuechly: Perhaps the most promising defensive player on the Panthers' roster. Kuechly won Defensive Rookie of the Year in 2012 and followed that up by winning Defensive Player of the Year. Aside from Lawrence Taylor winning both awards in the same season, no other player has won both awards in such a short amount of time. And in case you weren't paying attention, the Panthers picked two rookies of the year in successive drafts. Beyond that, Kuechly has been projected as a new breed of middle linebackers. All in all, he's had a hell of start to his career.


Star Lotulelei: Yet ANOTHER promising defensive player. Lotulelei had a good rookie season, notching three sacks and 48 total tackles, not bad for defensive tackle. But he also accomplished a lot more than what comes up on stat sheets. With the addition of Lotulelei, the Panthers' front seven is now one of the best in the league, if not the best.

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And there you have it. While the Panthers' defense is likely to still cause opposing offenses hell this season, a depleted receiving corps and injuries to Cam Newton will likely cause them to take a step back from last year. Which reminds me- I should probably work on my season predictions. Gotta go!