THE TOP 10 WORST UNIFORMS EVER... THAT I COULD THINK OF

Taking a look at the new uniforms yesterday got the gears in my head a turnin'. With the exception of the Jaguars' new look, none of the changes are terrible. So if there is anyone out there who may not be happy with the changes to your team's uniforms, here are ten reminders that the change could have been much worse.

These are the top ten worst uniforms that I could think of.

#10. Utah Jazz: the Mountain Uniforms (1996-2004)

You'd look pretty pissed off like Karl Malone and John Stockton if you had to wear these crappy uniforms. I'm temped to just say any NBA jersey that was introduced in the 90s could get on this list, but the Jazz deserve special recognition. The Jazz in the 90s were consistently one of the best teams in the West, especially when they went to back to back NBA finals from 1997 to 1998. And wouldn't you know it, they introduced these gaudy things for 1996-97, the first season that ended with them in the finals. Two summers in a row, the Jazz assaulted televisions across the country with literal purple mountains majesty on their solar plexuses (plexies?). NBC, who held the broadcast rights to the NBA Finals in these two years, no longer carries any NBA programming. Coincidence? Yes. But these uniforms still suck.

#9. Denver Broncos: The Ones People Think Are Good (1968-1996)

This is going to be short, because the entire city of Denver is making its way to my house to murder me. But before you skewer me on a pitchfork, please take off your rose colored glasses and your John Elway jersey you bought in 1992, and just admit that when the team went to three Super Bowls in four years in the late 80s, they looked like a bunch of assholes. Sky blue and bright orange go together like Joseph Stalin and sound mental faculties: not at all (take that, Stalin!). Now I will freely admit that the road uniforms during these years were awesome. But half of a good uniform still nets you a half shit. And half of a shit still stinks.

#8. San Diego Padres: Ode to Poop (1969-1990)

That, ladies and gentlemen, is Tony Gwynn, one of the greatest baseball players of all time. And for a good chunk of his twenty year career with the Padres, he wore those duds. And I do mean duds. The Padres original colors were brown and orange. The orange was later changed to yellow, because the uniforms were apparently not ugly enough already. And yeah, I said "original" earlier. The team's first season was in 1969, and they wore those brown getups for an absurdly long time (until freaking 1991). So yeah, for the better part of twenty years, the Padres took to the diamond looking like full grown turds. Insert your own joke about how the Padres played for most of those twenty years. Please. I can't come up with anything remotely funny after looking at these.

#7. Atlanta Thrashers: All of Them (1999-2011)

The current Winnipeg Jets are the second Atlanta based NHL expansion team to bolt for lands that actually give a shit about hockey (like, literally anywhere but Atlanta). Unlike the Calgary Flames (formally the Atlanta Flames), the Atlanta Thrashers did not have great uniforms. Not even good uniforms. These are almost as uninspired as Atlanta's passion for its respective sports teams. There's not much I can really say about them, other than that they were boring. Dreadfully, mindnumbingly boring. And what the hell was that logo supposed to be anyway? A chicken? A hawk? Why not call the team the hawks? There's no law saying two teams in the same city but different sports can't have the same name. What's a thrasher? Oh, you suck Atlanta!

#6. New England Patriots: the Shitty Drew Bledsoe Uniforms

So you're in charge of what the Patriots' uniforms will look like. The team came into being in 1960. It's 1993. They're uniforms haven't looked bad up to this point, but the team sure has, going 1-15 in 1990, 6-10 in 1991, and 2-14 in 1992. A fresh start would be a welcome change to forget about the futility of the last few years (and really, decades). But this... is not the change they should have asked for.

To commemorate the hiring of Bill Parcells as their head coach and drafting Drew Bledsoe number one overall, the Pats radically redesigned their uniforms into these sky blue affronts to good taste. They also must have loved the new logo (the only ones on the planet to do so) because they adorned both sides of the helmet and both shoulders with what the media and fans derisively nicknamed "Flying Elvis." And by the by, there's about a 65% chance that if the road uniform's numbers use the team's secondary color as its primary one, the uniform isn't going to look good. Guess which percentile the Patriots' 90s road unis fall under.

But perhaps the greatest insult to injury was that the Patriots dynasty of the 2000s was accomplished with slightly better, though still shitty versions of these crapsack uniforms. So you can thank Bill Belichick and Tom Brady for keeping both Flying Elvis and these sordid uniforms alive. And you thought you hated them because they were successful.

#5. Buffalo Bills: NCAA Pukes on NFL Team (2002-2010)

The Bills wore these embarrassments for nine seasons, which is nine seasons too many. Just look at them! They look like an NCAA team that Nike took a particular shine to in these. That's not a good thing. Can you be inspired by wearing these uniforms? Because the Bills sure weren't, winning a decisively uninspiring 41% of their games while these were the primary unis. I think most Bills fans would suffer through another Rob Johnson season in okay uniforms, than have all the success in the world with these. Just bleh.

#4. New York Islanders: the Wavy Uniforms (1995-1998)

Yar! In the mid 90s, the Islanders god rid of the iconic uniforms they wore when they won four Stanley Cups in a row from 1980 to 1983. They replaced them with the Gorton's fisherman (amusingly, typing in "Gorton's fisherman" into my image search brought up a picture of these uniforms as the first entry). It's not really clear in the pictures above, but the Islanders' new uniforms had a wave pattern that circled around the sweaters. This wave interfered with the area where the numbers and name would appear, so the Islanders had the numbers and name wave too. The Islanders permanently shipwrecked the fisherman after two trippy seasons, replacing him with the original Islanders logo. They still didn't change the uniform design, but hey, to get a big victory, you have to achieve several smaller victories first.

#3. Vancouver Canucks: Defenders of the Universe (1978-1985)

That is one big V. The Canucks actually wore these, for realzies. And regularly. This isn't some weird alternate; these are the primary uniforms. I swear to God they actually wore these and were meant to be taken seriously. Beyond the fact that these are perhaps the ugliest uniforms in modern pro hockey history, they also rank high on this list for being another uniform that blighted a championship series. The Canucks wore these when they qualified for the Stanley Cup finals in 1982 (they were mercifully swept by the Islanders). These are not the uniforms you'd want to be wearing when you could potentially win a championship. Now, if the five Canucks players on the ice at a given time combined to form a giant robot, then I'd give these uniforms a pass. Sadly, that didn't happen.

#2. Chicago White Sox: the Most 70s Uniform Ever (1976-1981)

I know this says it's number two on the list, but consider this 1a due to the simple fact that these don't look like professional sports uniforms at all. They look like they're ready to sail Cape Cod on their expensive new yacht. To be fair, this picture is misleading. The White Sox normally wore pants with the tops. To say that it didn't make much of a difference is a drastic understatement. There's no evidence I could find in a quick search, but I wouldn't be surprised if these uniforms were drummed up by then White Sox owner Bill Veeck. He had quite the reputation for putting out outrageous ideas, though these uniforms, while tacky, wouldn't be the weirdest thing he did as White Sox owner.

#1. Houston Astros: Vancouver Looks Stylish by Comparison (1975-1986)

Jesus, what do I even say?! Look at them! Not too long though; you'll go blind. The Astros wore these uniforms and variations of it for over a decade. In that time, they almost made the World Series twice in the rainbow getups, but were thankfully thwarted by the Phillies and the Mets both times. Nolan Ryan, one of the greatest pitchers ever, had some of the best years of his career for the Astros. All while wearing something that Cliff Huxtable wouldn't be caught dead in. Ryan regained his honor years later by making Robin Ventura look like a jackass. Allegedly, the rainbow pattern was supposed to mimic a rocket taking off. The only things that should have taken off were these uniforms a week after they were introduced.